What I Learned About Life When I Died
This past weekend, on 1/23, marked one year after I died. I guess, technically, I didn’t die given that I’m sitting here writing this post that you’re reading. So, let me elaborate…
One year ago, just a little bit before the COVID kickoff, I was at home when a sudden onset of intense chest pain struck me. I knew almost immediately that something was very wrong.
I was taken to the emergency room and shortly after arriving, my awareness fully disconnected from my experience due to the level of pain I was in. I don’t remember anything from that point forward, though I’ve been told a lot about it by the people that were there.
Turns out my aorta fully disintegrated, my heart stopped several times, and only by an insane amount of synchronicity am I even able to still be on this planet.
I went in on a Thursday and woke up two days later on Saturday with tubes coming out of my chest and several new scars on my body. I remembered going to the emergency so I wasn’t surprised when I woke up. I was surprised though when I found out the full extent of everything that took place.
I had emergency open-heart surgery. My aorta was replaced with a mechanical valve, my leg was cut open and part of an artery was removed to rebuild one in my heart, one of my nerves was severed in my right pectoralis major. Plus a whole mess of other procedures that surely saved my life. I was even featured on a podcast with two of the doctors that were in the emergency room so we could discuss one of the life-saving procedures that was performed to keep me alive.
The worst part, nobody had any idea why it happened. It was even more impactful since I typically take very good care of myself. I workout regularly, I eat well, I prioritize my self-care, and even with all that I was still caught in the grasp of potentially experiencing an untimely death. I have ultimately concluded that there were several factors involved that created a perfect storm if you will.
Whether you want to call it luck, chance, synchronicity, or the grace of God..that is the only reason that I am still alive and breathing. Needless to say, that experience brought a degree of awareness to my experience of being a human that I otherwise wouldn’t have.
So, without further ado, the lessons I learned…
Life is impermanent, death comes for us all
As a somewhat lifelong student of Buddhism, this one I already knew. However, I can say that knowing it conceptually and directly experiencing it emotionally and so violently is very different. At this point in my life, I have spent thousands of hours in meditation. I have spent a significant portion of that meditating specifically on death and reflecting on the fact that death is inescapable.
It’s an entirely different phenomenon to have death kick you in the face and feel the powerlessness that comes from the fact that we have zero control over how or when we will die (for the most part). Life is impermanent. Change is inevitable and will happen, often in unpredictable ways, regardless of how we feel about it.
It’s OK not to be OK
To say that this experience fucked me up is an understatement. I went from being incredibly fit and physically capable to barely being able to walk down the hall. I was literally using a walker to get my daily walking time in as I walked down the hallway in the hospital and go to the bathroom when needed.
If I had been busy judging myself and my process it would have only made it much harder to focus on my healing and get better. It’s OK to not be OK. Being able to be present with that fact when necessary can equip us to get clear on our needs and do what’s necessary to get those needs met.
It’s all about our relationships
It was my relationships that helped me stay alive — from the friend that got me to the emergency room and advocated for me after I lost consciousness, to the family members that took care of me and nursed me back to health, and my loved ones that continued to reach out and offer support after coming back to awareness.
Life is a social game. We are hurt and healed in relationships. It was my relationships that helped me stay grounded, keep me in good spirits, and make sure that I was taken care of while I recovered.
Humility is essential
Having death knock on your door and remind you just how little power we really have when push comes to shove was a rude awakening. When death comes for us, there may be little we can do to avoid its clutches and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Having a degree of humility can help keep us grounded when push comes to shove and we are met with life-altering situations over which we have little to no control.
Change is inevitable, growth is optional
Change will happen regardless of how we feel about it. The magic is in how we respond to it, though. Being able to respond to change with openness and flexibility can make all the difference in our ability to bounce back from setbacks and empower us to make decisions to aid in our growth. Whether or not we can embrace change can make all the difference in the world when it comes to moving forward.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Before this situation, I had gotten into the bad habit of pushing myself way too hard. Often in ways that were counterproductive to my well-being. I definitely count this as one of the ingredients to my heart disintegrating. It’s OK to ease up on ourselves and treat ourselves gently.
We can be hardworking, patient, and diligent while also knowing when to ease up and let go. I attribute a lot of this to getting too caught up in the dysfunction of ‘hustle culture’. There’s a huge difference between being present with our process and trying to force something that may not be ready to be forced. Ease up, participate in the process, and know when to back off and let go.
Slow the fuck down
You may have heard this one before, “life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Life is a neverending process. It’s not about getting to our destination overnight. It’s about being present with the process of living and being fully engaged.
If we are too focused on outcomes and disconnected from our process, we’re doing it wrong. Life is about the in-between, it’s about the journey. If we are too focused on the destination and miss the journey, we miss the magic that is life.
Don’t stop moving
Taken with the last two points — don’t be too hard on yourself, slow the fuck down, and don’t stop moving. After I came home from the hospital I gave myself a couple of weeks to do nothing but sleep. After that, I committed to getting back into my meditation and workout routine. My workout routine — walk for 15 minutes every day. That was really all I could do. As I said earlier, I went from being very physically fit to barely being able to walk down the hall. All I could do was walk, and barely that at times.
I walked around my living room or garage for 15 minutes every day and I built on top of that. Just walking in circles. That was where I was at and that’s all I could do. But, I kept moving.
The world turns every day. The weeds grow every day. Keep moving even if it’s at a snail’s pace. Just don’t stop, don’t quit, and don’t give up. If you can’t keep the pace, see the previous point and slow the fuck down.
Learn to fall in love with the process
This is all life is — a neverending process of cause and effect that unfolds in the present moment every day we are alive and breathing. If we are unable to stay present with the process and fall in love with it, then we are probably doing it wrong. That’s all there ever is.
If we are too focused on the destination that we lose sight of where we are at, we are missing out on life. While it’s important to know where we are going, I would argue that’s it’s more important to know where we are.
Set goals and commit to growing but if your goals lead you to processes that are unfulfilling and leave you disengaged, it may be worth it to revisit your goals.
Be ready to say goodbye every day
Death can come at the most unexpected time for all of us. Be ready to say goodbye every day. Get right with yourself. Get right with your relationships. And, get right with your world. Find some degree of peace amidst the chaos.
Let go of the shit creating discomfort. Find happiness while you can. This will all be over sooner than you may know. It would be tragic to not feel fulfilled while you’re here, and to leave things in a mess and disarray when you’re gone.
How would you feel if you were taken from this world tomorrow?
Be grateful for every day you have
Think about how many people have died in the past year alone due to COVID. Many other countless people have lost their lives prematurely. I have lost people over the years. You have likely lost people over the years. Eventually, we will be one of the ones that people lose.
We don’t know when death will come knocking on our door. Every day that you have is another day to breathe, to tell someone you love them, to bring light and positivity into someone else’s life. You get to choose how you use that time. But, you have the time when so many do not.
Remember to be grateful for the time that you do have. From the bottom of my heart, please don’t squander or waste the time you have. It will all be over before you know it.
You are one of the lucky ones
Along the same line as the last point, you are one of the lucky ones that get to be here while so many others are not. I was one of the lucky ones that for whatever reason got to come back. I get to continue to live out my life for however much longer that may be. Every day that you get to remain here is another day of being lucky to be alive. Please don’t take it for granted.
In conclusion…
This past year has been particularly hard for many people. COVID has destroyed people’s lives. It has exposed systemic weaknesses around the world in our economy, social and political systems, and has led to suffering for many.
Yes, sometimes life can be hard. Yes, sometimes things can feel really shitty. Yes, it will always be like that. But, just as the lotus grows in the mud, without adversity and challenge we will never get to know our true potential. ‘Embrace the suck’ as they say.
But, remember, life is impermanent, it will not always be like this. It’s OK to not be OK. Focus on building relationships with people you care about. Be humble, and remember to embrace change and growth. Don’t be too hard on yourself, slow the fuck down, and definitely don’t stop moving.
Learn to fall in love with the process. Be ready to say goodbye every day. And, be grateful for every day that you have on this planet, you are one of the lucky ones.
